SuperSatellite ||

So yesterday I get off work. I’m tired. I get home, sit down, promptly start falling asleep. By 6:30 I’ve gotten into bed and proceed to sleep until sometime around nine. I get up for an hour or so, go back to sleep, and am TKO’d till morning. Today. Same thing practically, though not quite as tired. It’s 8, and I’ve been asleep for better than the past two hours. Nothing in my lifestyle has changed recently, all of the sudden I just can’t seem to keep my energy together. I’ll be in bed around 10 probably.

So…catching up…see, it’s hard to think when my brain is worn out, heh. I turned in an app for a job in Iola. I’m still not sure a job in Iola would be a step in the direction I want to go. You know…there’s just nothing there. Not only that, but there’s nothing nearby either, that’s the real kicker.

Okay, that’s seriously all I can think of to put together coherently for now.

Oh wait, last thing. Some news pics will be coming soon because I finally invested in a new digital camera. I think it might get here Saturday. Woot!

Yeah, so I know this isn’t my typical fashion. But I saw a friend of mine do a poetry reading yesterday and I thought I’d pull some of my old stuff out of the woodwork. It’s not very good, and I’m by no means a trained writer, but what the fuck? Why write it if you don’t want people to read it. This is pretty much the body of my poetry writing, and I doubt anything will ever be added to it at this point. Poetry’s just not really my strong suit (then again, what is?). Oh yeah, since I copy and pasted some of these off Poetry.com it looks like you’ll get to learn my middle name. Yes, I really am too lazy to delete it out.

Progression

The dust in place rolls off my tongue
I hear the voices telling me not to run away
But the dirt in my nails says how far can I get this time?
I will find the way for souls in life to stay
And passages of life on mantels are hung.

The control entirely is up to you
As we swallow bittersweet fear, a symphony
As life is given up to the chance at the toss of a dime.
There is no light crawling in the dark honey
Where hope is a distant cry, who?

But tell me what am I supposed to do
Because the decisions are tearing me up inside
And I no longer have the strength to go on in this land
Running in shadows looking for places to hide
Understand the pain I am going through

I see clearly for the first time in life
A path as worn as any road built by man
I know I must stay and complete the task at hand
Yes, my bones break and my skin will tan
But I will not fall before fear’s knife.

Michael Phillip Fienen

Copyright 2006 Michael Phillip Fienen

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The Dragons

Dragons fly in on night’s wings
Curious of what tricks the jokester holds,
Fairies and pixies dance and sing
While dwarves and elves hear stories told.

Ah, when life was grand and full of spice
And the World was magic, new, and fun,
There was a land so pure and so nice
That you felt strong, solitary, one.

You are the dwarf, the pixie, the elf.
By might and mind you change yourself.
For the vampyres work while others dance and sing
When Dragons fly in on night’s wings.
For the vampyres have no use for worldly things.
When Dragons fly in on night’s wings.

Michael Phillip Fienen

Copyright 2006 Michael Phillip Fienen

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“The Tower Chronicles”

Note from the author: This is a series of poems inspired by the set of books written by Stephen King known as the Dark Tower. They should not be considered fanfiction, because they are only inspired by it, not based on it. This is part of an ongoing set of poems which will eventually tell an entire story but is, as yet, unfinished. Each poem remains untitled, and is unto itself it’s own entity, but together each gives elements to the others.

Old Charley McDaniels stood on the brown dirt way
Lined each side by a sea of roses, perfect and brilliant red.
Before him, miles distant, a Tower in eternity does stay,
Brown the path, crimson the roses, blue the sky overhead.
Like some twisted parody of Pisa, a sick, diseased black
Spills from Tower to the soil in waves like bleak volcanic sand.
As Ol’ Charley makes pace, Oh! how the Earth wishes him back
Dirt shakes, twists, roses cry, chorus comes from death’s band.
Beauty corrupted, ghosts and daemons only sustain the Tower
That is trapped within the Peace of a thorny prison of roses.
Ol’ Charley knows not why he’s here, summoned by some power.
Only that he is pushed to answer some secret question fate poses.
So he opened the tower, and pure evil, black magic he eyed.
And in that moment, good Old Charley McDaniels died.

————————————

What is it said?
Fear in the dust,
Sand in the hand,
Eyes that are red?

Run in the red.
Skip in the brown.
Love that is blue.
Black is the bed.

Tower’s the bed,
Evil its stone.
Stay back from the door
Or else you are dead.

Everyone’s dead,
Can’t outrun time.
Go into the light,
It’s all in your head.

Curse your dumb head.
It all isn’t true.
Tower’s the door.
Shoes are of lead.

Shoes made of lead,
Dust in your hand,
Red eyes look at you,
The Tower’s your bed.

————————————

The Tower has never been real,
Sides of dark stone not of steel.
But it’s all metaphor
When you open its door,
And Death takes you in for a meal.

————————————

Time flashes for one moment and
Only Charley McDaniel’s eyes see
What his life was spread before him.
Ending in a red rose field, he is
Ripped through a black doorway.

————————————

In the Tower we rot.
In Its chambers we rot.
w w w w w w w
e e e e e e e
r r r r r r r
o o o o o o o
t t t t t t t
In the Tower we rot.

————————————

One is so far, and the other so near;
siege the castle
One brings you hope, the other breeds fear.
siege the castle
Its forces grow strong and increase in number,
siege the castle
But Ol’ Charlie McDaniels is just a plumber.
siege the castle
Dreamy voices at night whisper and mumble
While the walls of the castle whisper and crumble.
And Charlie, Good Charlie hears in his sleep
Though visions of Towers force him to weep.
siege the castle
Ol’ Charlie the Pure and McDaniels the Brave
Only knows that he has a castle to save.
His instinct is true, his heart tells him right,
That he has to save the Castle tonight!
Stop the Tower.

————————————

Green, golden, flowing
grass at its base.
Warm suns are shining
down on his face.

Black fear is creeping
into its place,
killing him sweetly
with his disgrace.

Vampyres look on
with toothy smile.
The Dark imps look on
waiting the mile.
The Dragons look on
lined single file,
and fear has now seized him
dead in the aisle.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
How scared will you be
when Death looks at you?

---

Finally

By Michael Fienen
Note from the author: I am proud to announce that this poem is being published in an issue of the magazine Agerai. Yay me!

And I’m finally leaving town again,
Driving with the wind in my hair.
I am going back to
The place where I belong.

And I have tried the paper and pen,
Writing words but you don’t care.
No matter what I do,
It still comes out wrong.

You said that I scored a perfect ten.
I heard you say we were a pair.
But I need someone who
Can make me feel strong.

Now I’m finally leaving town again,
Riding with the wind in my hair.
So I look back at you,
And knew all along.

2001 Michael Fienen

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Darkness

O Darkness, thou art as sweet salt to a wound,
And I dost hate. Millions of times do I say
That all things end, all post pay.
Whether it be life swooned,
Whether it be chord untuned,
Whether it be night from day,
Nothing stays static, still it won’t stay.
From the time of our first, Death us doomed.
Hark! that all things end, we are aware.
From the alter we build, green deeds made skill
Mold us, prepare us to be of Earth’s caches,
All of which dwindle, but nix without a Star’s care.
We are the pawns of nature, you and I, taken still.
Life is dust to dust, ashes to ashes.

Michael Phillip Fienen

Copyright 2001 Michael Fienen

douche bag
n
1. a small syringe with detachable nozzles; used for vaginal lavage and enemas [syn: douche]
2. Me

Long story, not gonna get into it now. Yeah, I know my last entry was private, which goes against most everything I think about blogging, but it was necessary. After allowing for an adequate cooling-off period you will find it accessible. That should reduce the potential douche-baggedness that reflects on me.

Well, I got my new guitar pickups Friday. I didn’t pay attention to the auction though and failed to notice they were used. Oh well, hopefully there’s nothing out of sorts with them. They look nice enough, so I don’t feel so bad about it. I’ll get them in Monday at work when I’ve got access to good soldering irons and such. I’ll let you know how they sound. Also got the foot switch for my amp from Jon, so good music news all the way around.

My grandma clued me in on what could potentially be a good job for me over in Coffeyville. An advocate at the Crisis Resource Center. Salaried position that needs people skills and public speaking experience, both things I have in abundance. Plus having a degree to apply for a position that only requires a high school diploma doesn’t hurt. So we’ll see. Still keeping the new job hopes alive a little longer.

So I started palying this game Dungeon Siege II. Not too bad. It’s a pretty blatant Diablo ripoff, but the graphics are nice and the difficulty isn’t bad. I’ve never been the big gamer, as I think I have mentioned, but a simple point and click dungeon crawler can be fun for some wasted time now and again. And I did really like Diablo, I just wish they’d put together a new one, as Diablo II lacks a certain charm graphics-wise these days.

Anyone else ready for Spring already?

Main Entry: schmooze
Variant(s): or shmooze /’shmz/
Function: intransitive verb
Etymology: Yiddish shmuesn, from schmues talk, from Hebrew shemu’Oth news, rumor
: To converse casually, especially in order to gain an advantage or make a social connection. : CHAT

Sometimes I think I feel like I can’t win for losing. I don’t mean to bitch, but I’m gonna, maybe someone’ll understand. Last night was one of those “let’s all got together and do shit” nights. Which worked well, for about two hours. “All” turned out to be the normal five of us. We started just at Hastings for a few, then went to dinner. Where? Applebees. Now, I have no particular quarrel with them. The food’s moderately priced and tastes fine. The service is reasonable and fast. But I happen to know that most of my friends don’t actually like it too much. With Pittsburg’s lack of quality dining (both on that end of town and on the whole), I thought I’d recommend a new place to try, both to change things up a little, and avoid us ending up somewhere people wouldn’t want. There’s a country kitchen type restaraunt out towards Foxtown, maybe seven miles out. I heard the food’s good, cheap, and abundantly piled onto plates. Naturally though, 7 miles turns out to just be too far to drive for food. Whatever, I didn’t care that much, but don’t get irritated at me when I’m at least trying to make suggestions, and when I’m the only one doing so. And don’t bitch about where we end up if you’re not going to entertain alternatives. I thought somewhere new could be nice. We weren’t necessarily on a time table or anything.

So we eat. Next we go to the Wishing Tree. They were having an artist showcase with live improv music from some guys I know. I don’t think it took more than fifteen minutes, if that, for everyone to bail on me. So the music’s not great? Who cares. Enjoy being out of the house doing something a little different. Sit back and relax and have a free cracker with some spinach type dip on it. I ran into a couple other friends there and talked to them and such, and was left by myself to, and I quote, schmooze. Nothing necessarily bad about that, except I just really felt like it was used with a rather negative connotation. I know I shouldn’t be irritated by that, but come the fuck on. Just because I happen to know some other people and enjoy talking to them about stuff we have in common doesn’t amount to much. I’m not trying to get into anyone’s good graces, I’m just trying to be a friend to people. Maybe show some support. If that means I schmooze, then guilty I guess, but I think everyone out there could stand to do a little more of it if that’s the case.

Again, fine, I didn’t let it spoil my time. I did stay, and I talked to people and had a reasonably all right time. Better than sitting around the house. We were gonna end the night going to a movie, Date Movie. Spoof flick like Scary Movie was. Something funny to watch, plus it was the only worthwhile thing playing at the theatre. We tried inviting a bunch of other people to come with us, to no avail, and on top of it, our normal five dwindled to two. So by the end of the night that was it. Fuck it. I had a good time not sitting around all night like we all do most every weekend. The movie was all right too. Not as funny as Scary Movie, but good for some laughs.

But guess what, it doesn’t end there. I’ve been telling people about a concert that was tonight for the past couple weeks. No one would even give me a staright yes or no on it till about an hour before it started. Actually should have been a really decent show considering all the nothing that comes through these days. Let’s see…it should have started twenty-five minutes ago. Yeah, no one wanted to go, shocking, I know! I could have gone alone, but that really takes a lot of the fun out of it not having anyone to be there with. And everyone else’s attitude has now soured mine. So I stayed here. I wrote this, and I’ll do some job application stuff after this.

It just pisses me off that I’m 24, I’d like to have a little bit of fun, and I’m apparently the only one interested and the only one able to just enjoy. Enjoy what? Anything, just find some simple satisfaction in whatever it is. Music’s a little too loud? No big deal. People laughing in the theater? I’m listening to the movie anyway. Don’t want to smell like smoke? Enjoy the show then take a shower. Restaurant sucks? Be happy you’re out with the company of friends. It’s not that hard and takes very little effort. We’re still young people! Where the hell does all this negativity come from? My friend’s will criticize me for most of this, especially me talking about other people being negative and writing a blog just dripping with bitching, but I certainly think the past few months have gone a long way towards changing a lot of my life views, and while I may joke about negative stuff, I am generally very upbeat and positive these days. Generally.

So anyone wanna do something this week?

[EDIT]
Let me also follow up that I’m just tired of always feeling like whenever I need to vent something, whenever my feelings are hurt, I gotta walk on eggshells because I’m always in the middle of everyone, I’m always keeping the peace. God forbid I upset someone for a change, even if it’s a friend. It sucks, for them and me both, trust me. Just ignore it. By tomorrow, with me, it won’t even matter anymore. Hell, the last thing I want is to upset anyone. But I’ve just felt like it’s getting harder for me to just take it all in stride anymore. So I’m sorry if I hurt anyone with this, because it’s not my intention. I don’t want to ditch my friends, I don’t want to turn anyone on each other, I don’t want accuse anyone of anything, I don’t want to place blame for anything. I just want my night to vent some pent up frustration.
[/EDIT]