SuperSatellite

Energy Drink Deathification

// August 18th, 2008 // Health, Life and Times, Reviews

I made a mistake this weekend.  I volunteered to join Steve on his journey to find the worst energy drinks on the market.  I thought it’d be funny, especially when we found a NASCAR inspired yellow can called Turn Left at Big Lots for seventy cents.  As it turns out, it isn’t funny.  It’s painful and tragic.  Steve seems to think Steven Segal’s Lightning Bolt is still worse.  If there’s a drink worse than Turn Left, then there is clearly no god.  Here’s test number one:

Yes, I threw up in the sink.  It was like drinking a 9 volt battery.  It tingled and burned and was completely incompatible with human digestive processes.  In an attempt to wash away the pain, I continued on to Red Thunder.  Red Thunder is not red.  It is not red-toned.  It is not red in even the most remotest sense of the word.  It’s fluorescent yellow.  If we’d turned out the lights it probably would have glowed.

Ultimately, I couldn’t finish either can.  There is no process of logic that leads me to understand how someone can make these drinks and decide that they are fit to market and sell.  I’d use them to strip carbuerators before I’d let people drink them.  This stuff left me feeling like crap the rest of the night, like organs in my body were trying to flee in protest.