Philosophical Conundrum
// January 6th, 2009 // Buddhism, Health
Well, really, it isn’t a conundrum. I’m just being bad, and I know it. But I need some kind of guidance, or another sensible voice to chime in and help me along. My problem is simple: drugs. I’m not saying I’m a crack addict or anything, it’s nothing like that. It’s a very basic, simple conflict of principle that I’m wrestling with. Let me elaborate.
photo by sissyboystud
For the past several years, I’ve fought back pain. The past couple years have been worse than normal. Worse to the point that I’ve started having trouble managing it. It’s slowing me down, limiting my activities, affecting my mood, and disrupting my sleep. Late last year I flexed my job benefits and broke down enough to see a doctor. I don’t see doctors. I can only recollect one other time I’ve gone for a problem, when I got a throat infection about three years ago. The doctor was fairly helpful, and among other things, prescribed a pain killer. Hydrocodone. It worked great. While it obviously does nothing to fix the problem, it numbed the pain, helped me sleep, and generally allowed me to gather myself. I am not addicted (so far), let me be clear about that. That’s not the issue.
The issue is Buddhism. When I decided this was clearly the right thing for me, I really tried to subscribe to it through and through. This was about three or four years ago, and I’ve been more successful in some areas than others. I never did drugs or anything before that, but I did drink. I was young, and generally that’s what guys do when you’re young and get together. Since then, I’ve not touched alcohol. It was tough at first, now it’s not an issue, sort of. I say sort of because the pain lately had me literally on the edge of saying screw it, getting drunk would be preferable to the pain. That scared me. The fact that I was nearly willing to throw away a principle that I have given myself to so thoroughly was part of what got me to the doctor.
So now here I am, taking hydrocodone. The conflict arises from the principle that Buddhists abstain from mind altering substances. Some people even argue that one should avoid things like caffiene. The mind, above all, is to be cherished. Cultivating good mindfulness is paramount to the religion, as that is the path to Truth and nirvana. I know that ultimately I shouldn’t take these on that premise. A prescription drug is no different from an illicit one just because it’s legal, they both have equal power to take control of your mind away from you. But if I don’t, I’m in pain, and that on it’s own is “mind altering,” in my opinion. When pain so totally affects your life, it’s hard to see through clearly, and I’m nowhere near having meditation techniques that can block it out. I can offer a million rationalizations, and I know that none of them stand. The fact is that I feel guilty about the whole situation.
I’m not sure what I need. I want someone to tell me that I’m making the right choice, but that might not be what I actually need. The fact is, I’m pretty sure I’m wrong, but I’m afraid of the alternative. Suffering is a base principle of Buddhism, and I am dealing with it in a very basic fashion: physical suffering. I feel like I need guidance for this issue, because the whole situation has left me unable to get my bearings and find the right path. I’ve lost my mindfulness, and as a result feel exposed and unarmored, and it’s that kind of sign that tells me I’m making poor choices on this matter. I know this might sound silly to a lot of people, you’ll just say “Take the pills if they make you feel better, and work on getting better.” But for 96% of Americans, their religion doesn’t really get in the way of this kind of treatment. So help me, guide me.
7 Responses to “Philosophical Conundrum”
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Michael–While I am not a Buddhist, I applaud your loyalty and faithfulness to your beliefs.
Have you sought counsel from someone who shares your beliefs that you feel might have a better understanding of your particular situation as it applies to Buddhism?
I might think on this some more. If I come up with anything else, I’ll post it.
I hope you get to feeling better soon.
Unfortunately, down here in little ol’ Southeast Kansas, my resources are limited. Hence the blog. This wouldn’t normally be something I’d talk about so openly, but I figure it’s the best way to tap into most people who might be able to offer advice. Thanks!
Yeah you have been having those back problems for as long as I’ve known you. That’s a tough situation. Me personally I hate taking medicine in general, not so much for religious reasons, but because I think people are always taking medicine to solve all their problems instead of toughing it out and building up their immune system. I’ve got really bad allergies to cats and dust mites so going into an old dusty house or one heavily populated by cats is absolutely miserable for me. In that situation I always go for the medication to stop it.
I guess my unmedical, unreligious, moral 2 cent would say to try and not rely on the pain killer until it just becomes unbearable then it’s ok.
Have you talked to a doctor about stretches and other things like acupuncture (don’t know why I think that might help… probably something I read) that could be options?
Been doing stretching since September. Had some chiropractic work before that. Starting Tuesday I begin physical therapy for three weeks to see if that does anything. Had X-rays today too, so that might shed some more light on things.
You should give the medication and therapy a chance. Don’t self medicate, (higher OR lower) doctors hate prescribing medication only to have the patient ignore the dosage and schedule.
A break from the pain and being able to sleep on a regular basis will probably make a world of difference in your perspective and state of mind.
Interesting dilemma. Don’t know much about Buddhism. Sounds like the pain is mind-altering in a different way.
@kyle A former boss of mine who had severe back pain for years because of a car accident was basically cured of her pain by acupuncture. Not saying it will work in every case, but it might be something to look into.
“Mind-altered,” “mind-not altered,” or “no-mind” at all is all the same. Mind. When you are in pain, you are aware, probably very aware, of your relative self. This is attachment to ego. How can one liberate oneself, albeit benefit all beings, in this state?
Don’t be attached to dogmatic dharma! If you are seeking relief from physical discomfort in effort to reach enlightenment for the benefit of all, you are doing just fine.
The Middle Way applies to our views of the way itself. Regardless of the reason for the cause of the pain, karmic, evolutionary default or injury, you need to break attachment from pain to be able to function in the world. Could you do it through meditation if you were able to devote all of your time to training? Sure! But, this is not the case! You are in your situation now and are living your life in this human form as of it were your last! Give yourself a break and because you are not suffering in pain, help relieve someone else’s pain!
-a fellow Buddhist who hurts