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I made a mistake this weekend.  I volunteered to join Steve on his journey to find the worst energy drinks on the market.  I thought it’d be funny, especially when we found a NASCAR inspired yellow can called Turn Left at Big Lots for seventy cents.  As it turns out, it isn’t funny.  It’s painful and tragic.  Steve seems to think Steven Segal’s Lightning Bolt is still worse.  If there’s a drink worse than Turn Left, then there is clearly no god.  Here’s test number one:

Yes, I threw up in the sink.  It was like drinking a 9 volt battery.  It tingled and burned and was completely incompatible with human digestive processes.  In an attempt to wash away the pain, I continued on to Red Thunder.  Red Thunder is not red.  It is not red-toned.  It is not red in even the most remotest sense of the word.  It’s fluorescent yellow.  If we’d turned out the lights it probably would have glowed.

Ultimately, I couldn’t finish either can.  There is no process of logic that leads me to understand how someone can make these drinks and decide that they are fit to market and sell.  I’d use them to strip carbuerators before I’d let people drink them.  This stuff left me feeling like crap the rest of the night, like organs in my body were trying to flee in protest.

Akiva Schaffer, you are officially fired. Fired. Go to your office, pack your bags, and GTFO. Pam Brady, you too. Don’t even think about it, just leave. You both fail at movies. I watched Hot Rod yesterday, and it was the kind of bad that legends are made of. Not the good legends, but like the bad ones, ones no one remembers because thinking about it makes your brain hurt. They don’t have names for the evil that lurks in people’s souls that brings crap like this out.

I wish I could tell you Akiva Schaffer is known for some good movies in his past. He’s not, so just give up that hope right now. Like the Easter Bunny, the Holy Grail, or Will Farrell’s talent, it does not exist. He’s directed some Saturday Night Live. Oh, and a segment on some show called Channel 101. That’s it. After this movie, you can bet he won’t be lighting up the silver screen with new gems any time soon. Brady has written some South Park and other misc. TV shows. “How could this not turn in to Hollywood gold?!” you might be screaming in question at an unreasonable volume at your computer screen while sitting there in your underwear (…mmm….underwear readers…). Well, let me tell you, that particular equation actually comes out to epic fail.

The film truly had but one redeeming quality, and that is Isla Fisher, the cute starlet who is inexplicably married to Sacha Baron Cohen. But even that isn’t enough to justify spending a single dime on the film. It’s crazy, because I can normally pick crap out from trailers, but this film’s trailer made it look funny. I was fooled. That is a cruel and unfunny joke, however. Beneath the humorous trailer is a film made from anti-funny. Like matter and anti-matter, funny and anti-funny might appear similar at first glance, but they annihilate everything when they come in to contact.

Leading man Andy Samberg was painful in his portrayal of Rod Kimble. He was many things in the film: stale, dumb, unmotivated, uninspired. Things he wasn’t include: funny, creative, or engaged. Of course, what can you expect from a man who’s career highlight reel is capped with the Dick in a Box song. In fact, there isn’t a good character in the entire film. Isla Fisher is cute, yes, but the Denise character makes zero sense. All this is due to bad directing, and the worst writing I’ve heard in years. Example: The plot is driven by Rod, who gets into fights with his step dad to prove that he’s a man. Except he never wins, and the step dad’s heart starts failing, so Rod decides to do a stunt and raise the money to get him the heart transplant. So that he can beat him up. And prove his manhood. And the crazy part is, it plays out ten times worse than it even sounds.

There was hope in the plot. I am convinced that the right actors and writing can make any concept funny, and as dumb as it sounds, you see moments of potential here and there. Rather than take advantage of it, I genuinely believe the producers sat down and calculated ways to crush any chance whatsoever of anything being done right in the film. It’s so bad, it can’t be on accident. Somewhere, someone is having a good laugh over the whole thing, like it’s some stupid inside joke funny only to them, at the cost of millions of dollars.

FirstShowing.net terribly disappointed me here, giving it a 9 out of 10, and praising the very things that makes it awful. All I can imagine is that their reviewer was stoned, drunk, or confused with when April Fool’s Day is. Or maybe their review scale was flipped, and 10 would be like evilcarnagehitlerpornbad. In which case 9 is just really, really bad.

And that’s all I have to say on the matter. Don’t see it. Don’t think about seeing it. Don’t even talk to people who have seen it. Including me. I am poison now.

Today, you get a very special deal. Two review-like things for the price of one! It’s a holiday special, and everyone wins! I also admit that I am lazy, and didn’t want to spread this over two different posts.

Michaele and I went and saw National Treasure: Book of Secrets last night. I did really enjoy the first one, that is for sure. It was a good movie with a nice, historical basis to it that kept the brain happy. Book of Secrets, however, was not that. I thought that FirstShowing.net did a pretty good review of it, and I pretty much mostly agree with it.

It was not bad at all, so don’t get that impression. I’d rather not spoil anything, but it is mostly the first movie, with rehashed bad guys and a new treasure. But that’s what made the first movie work, and I was fine with it this go around. They could have done better tying things together like they did in the first, but they didn’t. Oh well. It was still a fun holiday movie to go see with some neat trivia, excitement, and relatively good pacing. I am not disappointed, and am not afraid to recommend it to others who enjoyed the first one.

If you’re interested in the Page 47 mystery, I did find this research someone did.  Likely?  Who knows.  I have my own theories.

Okay, die hard liberals are not allowed to criticize me for reading Culture Warrior. For one, I made a promise to. Second, it’s important to be educated about all sides of issues. For the most part, I group Bill O’Reilly at about the same level of Michael Moore. But not quite Ann Coulter. At least he’s still human. The point being that he’s a strongly partisan commentator, and as such, is a little looney to several degrees. Except he has a broader appeal among the right than Moore does with the left, or so is my perception.

Anyway, it’s actually not that bad a read, and it’s a little less political than you might assume at first. I agree on many points about certain aspects of traditional values in the country. Then again, I’ve never read a book that I can agree with on one hand, turn the page, and be completely blown away by the disregard for logic and proper problem solving.

For one, O’Reilly apparently has no concept of the differences between correlation and causation. The way he draws certain conclusions is so flawed, even high school debaters would rip him in half. I also disagree on a fundamental level with his concept of the “culture war” that he claims is in progress. I prefer to look at it as “culture rot.” It’s not a battle between two sides, it’s a disease that is eating us away. His culture war approaches conspiracy theory levels.

O’Reilly also has this strange habit of defending traditional values at the feet of how government here was founded. I call this strange because of other analysis he does. Such as attacking the media that has grown out of a system he directly praises (ideas of free market, etc). He will praise certain systems and principles we have, and then directly criticize the products of those systems. He blatantly ignores founding principles that we learn in elementary school, like the Constitution as a living document designed to grow with time. It comes across more like him resisting needed change in society, changes that are needed at root points to continue thriving as a society that is exponentially larger and more complex than the one that existed at the founding of the nation. We cannot live in the 21st century with an 18th century government and moral structure.

In the end, it makes him come across mostly like a stubborn old man who’s afraid of the future. He spends more time writing vanity text and fluffing his own ego than developing his points in defendable ways. He takes the opportunity to lambaste people who have spoken against him in the past, and between the lines all you can hear is “ha ha, it’s my book and you can’t interrupt me here, I can say as much as I want to and I know my fans will all agree.”

The worst part is that there are a few good trains of thought started. But you have to take care with the knowledge, and follow up on your own if you want to get any real “truth.” It’s a quick read, and as such is probably worthwhile. I would definitely recommend the die-hard left take the time for it. It’ll fire you up, and also give you more insight into the right, so don’t disregard it out of hand. He also does try, if in a biased manner, to approach issues nonpartisanly (if that makes sense, he basically thinks he’s being nonpartisan).

Okay, I need to put an important preface here.  Prior to today, I was very enthusiastic about I Am Legend.  Firstshowing.net discussed it the other day, and I made it a point to defend it there, even having not seen it.  I find it very important to understand that movies can be (loosely) based on books, or adapted directly from them.  I, Robot is a great example.  While it wasn’t like the book, it was a good movie that had been based on it.  Blade Runner, and The Shawshank Redemption are others.  The Green Mile is a fantastic adaptation, on the other hand, being very nearly exactly like the book.  So I knew not to expect the book here, since it was clearly only based on it.  I knew it was only respinning the story, and I felt it was a good story that would modernize and expand well.

And god am I pissed.

I actually cannot remember the last time a movie pissed me off this badly.  I’m pretty sure it was because I was so ready to give it the benefit of the doubt, and so ready to enjoy it even as different as it might be.  I feel horribly betrayed.  This movie was likened to Cast Away, in how it was all on Will Smith’s shoulders.  I hated Cast Away, too, but for totally other reasons.  And the crazy part is, I was totally fine until the last fifteen minutes.  Then things started feeling wrong, like when you see a beautiful woman from behind, and they turn around, and it’s a transvestite with arm hair and a lopsided boob.

Warning: minor expository spoilers ahead.

You know, Will Smith did great in the movie.  I enjoyed his performance.  And I completely understood and could handle a lot of their choices.  Making him an Army virologist from the start instead of an alcoholic, suicidal plant worker for instance was a big time saver, because there’s a lot in the book that is about him just getting books and learning all the medical stuff himself.  No big deal, we didn’t have to listen to his complaining that way.  The way his wife and kid died changed some of the character’s motivational points, but again, it fit with the new story.  The dog being with him from the start, that’s fine.  Every bit of this is all well and good.  The “vampires” being more like ravenous animals with crazy CGI gaping mouths…well, that’s starting to push it.  In fact, I’m not sure why they felt the need to steep the vampires in CGI the way they did.

And then there’s the ending.  My god…the ending…Raise your hand if you read the book.  Okay, so you know how the title refers to him, and why.  The whole point behind the “I am legend” concept is that he really IS the last man on earth; that everything he is doing is what turns him into this huge bedtime monster, a legend that will be told for centuries afterward.  That’s the fricking crux of the whole story.  Let’s just say, that’s not how it goes down.  When you base a movie on a book, one thing you generally want to keep is the plot device that wraps it all up in a neat bow.  Otherwise all you really have is a movie that shares a title and a character name or two with the book.

The whole thing reminds me of Dreamcatcher.  But at least that film didn’t make me so mad.  But in the same way, you got to the ending and just feel like you need to punch someone, maybe a baby or a kitten, though the writers and producers would do, because apparently they read a version of the book that came from Bizarro Earth that didn’t end even remotely like the book.

The best part of this film was that there was a Dark Knight trailer at the beginning, and it was filling enough all on its own.

In the end, I can’t even tell you if it would be good if I hadn’t read the book.  I can’t see through the blind rage enough to try and take the bias away, and that’s saying something.

You know, Sylvester Stallone has been in some crap.  Driven comes to mind immediately.  He’s also helped write crap (See same).  But for all intent and purposes, he’s managed to actually put out a number of good films, and films that go very far in appealing to male sensibilities.  It’s easy to make fun of the meathead actors of today and yesterday, but the ones who really get it and embrace it as a style, do their job very well.  Sometimes all you need is a movie that has a lot of good booms in it, you know?

Rambo is a classic example.  You can bet your ugly dog tits I’ll be at the new one.  Why?  Because Sly is old and Rambo is still Rambo.  The fact remains that Sly might be over the hill, but he is pulling off the roles in classic fashion, and the man-heart in me knows Rambo needs, nay, deserves, a conclusion.  That happened with Rocky, and it was surprisingly great. Believable?  Eh, not really, but that wasn’t the point.  The point was that a badass character can still be badass.

Pardon me if I slip up though, having both Rocky and Rambo mentioned here is bound to cause me to slip up and interchange names, so if you see one, just roll with it and laugh at me privately.  Currently, I own five of the six Rocky movies.  I haven’t bothered getting V yet, because, well…Sorry, it wasn’t that good.  The best thing to come from Rocky V was that he sold that weird-ass, damned robot that he bought Paulie in IV.  And for the sake of this blog, I am not going to consider Rocky Balboa part of the lineage.  This is only because it was produced so far apart from the rest, and was probably the best one otherwise.  So it can stand on its own.   From there, my purpose is to explain why my favorite Rocky is Rocky III.

Here’s the deal, Rocky was a great movie.  It wasn’t a boxing movie, it was a drama about a boxer’s rise to fame.  Easily the best of the six, running close with Rocky Balboa.  But that doesn’t make it my favorite.  Rocky II was a transition movie.  Obviously he had to beat Apollo Creed to move on, and that’s all that movie was there for, really.  IV was awesome because it was so clear cut. I’m not sure which had more Cold War angst in it, Rocky IV or Rambo III (aside: And isn’t watching Rambo III like eating a great big, hot, heaping bowl of bitter irony soup now?).  But face it, Apollo dies, and the Russians get beat in Russia.  That’s a powerful combo.  That movie really became the “Hulk smash,” of the Rocky line, but it worked, and I still think it’s a good flick for a boring afternoon.  V…well, you can’t win ‘em all, right?  The street brawl angle just didn’t work for me.  The point of Rocky is him fighting the good fight, not him defending his pride bare-knuckled and bankrupt in the street.

So, that leaves me at III.  My warm blanket of early 80’s cinema (not to outrank the likes of Ghostbusters though, don’t get me wrong).  There is a ton to like about this movie.  It starts the character arc on a shallower path, but loads it with moments like Mickey’s death, and Apollo taking on Rocky’s training.  That gives plenty of set up for the internal struggle that drives things along.  Better still is the cast.  You get a young as all hell Hulk Hogan in his first movie as the wrestler Thunderlips.  What is awesome here is seeing just how small Sly is.  He isn’t that big of a guy, and Hogan really is, its great juxtaposition.  That short cameo is one of my favorite performances of his after Suburban Commando.  Not for any good reason though, it’s just like “Holy crap, that’s Hulk Hogan!  Holy crap, that’s a young Hulk Hogan!”

The bread and butter is Mr. T as Clubber Lang.  Granted that Mr. T is always sort of surrounded by this hovering cloud of angry energy, he still plays an awesome and totally believable bad guy.  I think he drinks a cup of raw eggs and hate every morning to keep up appearances.  He’s like Samuel L. Jackson.  Anything with Mr. T is instantly better.  Sure, he’s no William H. Macy, but he is Mr. Farkin’ T.  His career hasn’t exactly been gilded since playing Sgt. Baracus in The A-Team, but that never seems to matter, because no matter what, you’ll always be like “Damn, it’s Mr. T!  How cool is that?”  And ol’ Sly takes him down with some style.  It’s not just a beat-him-down fight in the end, you actually get to see Rocky fight smart.  Since Clubber is such a true jerk, you really feel good seeing Mr. T go down too.

What works best for Rocky III is that it’s sort of like I and II combined into one movie.  You get both the rise and fall of Rocky all at once.  That means plenty of boxing, and no real slow points.  You get Rocky playing his A game, instead of just throwing big punches, and Carl Weathers gets an excuse to hang around.  The pacing is good and steady, something that carried over into IV.  All in all, it’s a very solid movie for what it is.  I can watch really any of the Rocky’s at any time, but this one stands apart for me.