SuperSatellite ||

What follows is a movie review I had previously posted on SuperSatellite back in May of 2004.  What made me think to pull it back out of the trenches I have no clue.  But hey, I do think you’ll find it marginally entertaining.  I have updated a couple parts and fixed some spelling errors though.  No, I won’t tell you where.

Every once in a while, something comes along that is just so bad, it’s almost fun.  The Cube is a case in point.  It was so horrid that it’s almost worth watching for the sake of the campiness.  You laugh, you giggle, you make fun of it, and in the end you still feel somwhat fulfilled.  I am sure you know a few movies like that.  Curse of the Komodo, however, is NOT one of them.  In fact, I’d say if it vanished from the earth, the absence of its Vortex of Suck could be displaced only by President Bush.  Or Monica Lewinsky.  Zing!

Pardon if I spoil anything, but the basic premise is this:  people are dumb, dumbness spills over into science experiment gone awry, military tries to cover up, dumbness ensues, people die.  End of story.  Reminds me a lot of a movie called Carnosaur…*shudder*  It is complimented with such gripping dialog as:

Rebecca
What happened?  What was that?

Hanson
Ask your father.

Because, obviously, he would put his daughter in imminent peril without telling her what was going on for some reason.  All good fathers do that these days, right?  That, and leave her with two green around the gills guys that are…well, they’re just there I guess.  Decoration. "Me man, me protect wo-man."  They can fire guns, yes, and they appear to have little ability beyond that.  Such as aiming.  Well, they can make googly eyes at the girl, who is some sort of 14 year old trapped in a 27 year old porn star’s body.  Do we feel dirty about that?  Yes…yes we do.  She was blessed with a bad scriptwriter AND a bad hairstylist it seems (the bad career is totally her own fault):

She never stood a chance…But, let’s move on.  There are more people, because you gotta throw in some stranded criminals to make it spicy (Lost anyone?).  It’s great because they are robbing a casino in Hawaii when we meet them.  They make off with three, maybe four million dollars.  How did they get it?  That’s the great part.  They robbed the one, seventy plus year old, inept guard in the security office, because we all know how undefended those silly casinos are.  You’d think they’d learn to be more careful in today’s day and age.  They could have at least tried something creative, like creating a double of the armored truck and taking off that way.  In Hollywood there’s this crazy little work habit called effort.  Even the worst movies at least try in some regard.  This felt like Saturday morning sitcom planning.  The kind with monkeys at typewriters.

And what’s up with the color?  Last time I checked, that shade of purple wasn’t particularly considered a healthy skintone.  They never heard of filters I guess:

In the case of a water landing, Rebecca’s (Glori-Anne Gilbert) chest can be used as a flotation device FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANE.  Between her and Tiffany (Melissa Brasselle), two-thirds on the female cast could have floated off the island to safety if needed.  Or just swung their upper torsos back and forth wildly as the lizard approached, effectively pummeling it to death (work with that mental image for a couple minutes).  Plus, you can imagine the music going with the "swimming" scene which was, of course, essential to the movie (and yes, she is taking her top off).  I think an equally fitting title for this movie would have been Attack of the Killer Breast Implants.  Oh, and last time I checked, nipples aren’t supposed to be that low.  Here’s a bit of advice from me to you, never use the coupon at the bargain basement breast implant emporium:

Next, I will present for you "the Compound."  I use quotation marks because, you see, it’s not really so much what you would consider a compound, as you would a house.  You know, the kind you live in.  Keep in mind this is on an island 300 miles from Hawaii.  I’d love to see it after a hurricane.  Plus they keep nice flood lights all around the place, even though they clearly stated the Komodo is "light sensitive."  "Be vewwy, vewwy quiet….I’m huntin’ fo’ a dwagon.  Hehehehehe."  Obviously wrapping the windows in black plastic must be enough though, because they leave all the floods on.  That’s what I’d do too, if I was, you know, suicidal.

All things considered, the CGI wasn’t what I’d call terrible.  It wasn’t the worst I’ve seen, though it wasn’t Hollywood.  In fact, this movie would be right at home (and I think it has been) on the Sci-Fi network.  The work was done by a company called Pyros.  Their website isn’t much to look at, and they haven’t done much that you’ve probably heard of besides some work on Quake III.

I was glad Rebecca never had to handle more than about 5 words in a line.  Personally, I think the hair bleaching was starting to get to her in a big way.  She liked saying everything twice a lot too.  And screaming, she screamed and cried a lot (which is funny, something from her filmography tells me she might have a knack for that).  Truth be told, if you’re a fan of Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon or whatever tha game is, try this one:  Glori-Anne Gilbert to Brittany Andrews.  I know, it’s SO easy.  Gilberts was in Night Vamps (1998) with…ANDREWS.  The only reason I bring it up was because I noticed Andrews has a…long running…uhh…film…career?

And what monster type movie would be complete without…you guessed it!  ZOMBIES!  Apparently the "bio-infection" you can get from the Komodo doesn’t just kill you, but gives you an insatiable hunger for the human flesh.  This sorta came out of absolutely nowhere too.  Shocking!  And it didn’t go anywhere afterwards.  It was just…sort of…there.  At least it died when they shot it.  That’s more than the Komodo.  In fact, I’d go as far as to say these people had no idea how to kill anything.  After the first 500 rounds I’d catch on that the bullets weren’t hurting it.  AT LEAST TRY TO AIM FOR A FRICKIN EYE OR SOMETHING!  Jesus.

Let me see if I covered everything…bad dialogue, gratuitous breasts, terrible acting, stupid hole filled plot, oh, and it was left open for a sequel.  Yeah, I think that’s everything.  2 out of 10.  I have seen worse, but not much, and I can tolerate quite a bit.  18 foot long Komodo dragons doesn’t seem to be one of them.  Wynorski should stick to what he’s good at, which is making…oh, bad films.  Damn.  The last thing I could say (which I don’t think is a compliment, but I guess maybe is) is a quote from their website: 

"Yet another cinema classic from one of our favorite directors, Jim Wynorski, or as Jim likes to call himself in this film, for no apparent reason, Jay Andrews.  Now that I think of it, there is a reason. In fact, what better reason could there be than to hide the fact that he’s Jim Wynorski? This film is rated 3.6 at IMDb, which sounds pretty weak until you realize that such a dismal score actually places it in the top third of Wynorski’s rated films."

Do yourself a favor, go rent Cube 2: Hypercube.  However wasted you feel after watching that, just realize that it could be worse.  Much, much worse.

[As of this reposting, the IMDB score has dropped to 3.0, no longer in the top third of his films, but rather the bottom quarter.]

I am apologizing in advance for tonight. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything, and not for a lack of things to write about, I’ve just sort of been saving up the stuff. Now though, I’m afraid this will be quite long, so I’ll do what I can to keep it entertaining.

Of course, the real trick here is figuring out just where to start. Also trying to remember what all I had to say to begin with. Dammit. I’m worse than my own worst enemy sometimes. Well, let’s start with movie stuff, because that’s what I just finished with. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 was excellent. Great CG. I won’t spoil anything though. Just go see it. What I will discuss is the “pre-game.” The trailer for Snakes on a Plane played. They audience reaction was pretty damn worth it. A comical mix of “what the hell” and “what the fucking hell.” Frankly, and I say this with all seriousness, the damn movie is brilliant. The hype that has been built up around that movie is going to make it a fortune. You’re damned right I’m gonna go see it. And I’ll love it, because I know exactly what I’m getting. Snakes. On a plane. Samuel L. Jackson. I expect no more and no less, and know that’s what I will get.

Transformers. Man, you can’t imagine my hopes for this movie. In case you haven’t seen it, you have to go check out this demo footage of Optimus Prime transforming [youtube.com]. The trailer the movie had was just a teaser, but even it was cool. I cannot emphasize how much you have to go watch that sixteen seconds of happiness linked above though.

During the pre-light-dimming phase, the movie theater runs those silly little slides, you know? Well a bunch of them are quotes from EOnline.com. Now, I can’t remember any, and despite the fact that the slides claim you can visit the site for more celebrity quotes, I challenge you to do so. So you’ll have to take my word that these things are some of the dumbest and most pretentious sounding comments on the planet. Who picks that shit?

So I played mini golf last night. I had to succumb to a new level humility. Not like “oops, I tripped of my shoelace I hope no one saw” humility, like “oops, I forgot I’m supposed to wear clothes to my high school graduation” humility. It was bad. That was quite possibly the most masochistic $3.00 I’ve ever spent. And I really like Chinese finger guffs, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I shot a 17 over par, only a slight nine strokes worst than last time. I got one hole in one that I can only assume was fate fucking with me. Sorta like giving a kid a lollipop before stabbing him in the ass with a hypodermic needle. Maybe I’m just too mousey to play minigolf [re: inside joke, sorry folks].

You know, despite the fact that Nickelback is about as inspired a band as Nirvana (sorry, but let’s face it, their music is farking simple), I like them just the same. Sometimes the depth and creativity of a band isn’t as needed as just a decent rhythm (that’s a hard word to spell). Regardless, I found this link [thewebshite.net] that Rachel showed me quite humorous. And scary. Considerably more scary the second time I listened and really paid attention. Give it a try. It’s like a bizzaro world Pepsi challenge. With itself.

I want to know who hit the Pittsburg city officials with the brilliant stick. I don’t know how, or why, but someone realized that maybe, just maybe it might be a neat idea to make Locust not a one-way. And I think they are going to follow suit with Pine. I am dumbstruck at the practicalness of this decision. What’s next, left turns on Broadway uptown? God forbid! I am certainly not complaining, but if they keep doing shit like this, it’s going to make it increasingly difficult to pick on them. Granted, they are stripping and resurfacing a big chunk of Broadway south of Quincy, which was super convenient combined with the traffic jam it caused and having Joplin street closed off because of the stadium. So I will hold off on giving the gold star just yet.

Looks like my job is really fracking cool. Granted, I have found a great deal of enjoyment in what I do now. But to top it off, I get to go to New York in October for a conference. Yeah, that’s sort of work, but it’s kinda a vacation too. I’ve never been to New York, and while it’s Rochester, not NYC, I’ll take what I can get.

I regularly check out Break.com. Today they had a video posted [break.com] that I felt a compelling need to share. I hate sharing random internet video clips too much, especially since you need nothing to follow up that Transformers clip with, but this did make me laugh. I love the end when the one guy is heard saying “our skin is fucking gone.” My only hope now is that I can find a way to convince one of my friends to do that. Maybe while drunk…

Well, the current buzz now is all about the new Superman movie.  Probably rightfully so.  Thanks to the juxtaposition that Brett Ratner provided, we know Brian Singer is pretty well the man when it comes to making a successful comic book movie, although I give a lot of credit to Christopher Nolan too.  Robert Ebert, however, appears to disagree, at least a little.  By the way, Mr. Ratner (a.k.a. Mr. Shithead), fuck you very much for X-Men 3.

Let me be fair in saying that I don’t think I’ve seen any of the first four Superman movies ever, and given my knowledge of the matter, missing III and IV doesn’t exactly hurt my feelings.  And having seen (and loved) Batman Begins, I have faith in the ability to sort of “re-invent” a franchise, without being unfaithful to source material.  My problem is not so much with that, as it is with Superman himself.

Let’s face it, as far as Superman goes, he’s pretty damned generic.  Sure, he was one of the first (1938 was the first printing I believe), but at the same time, they went a little overboard.  He flies, he’s bulletproof, he’s super fast, super strong, has freezing breath.  It’s like as time went on, it started to be like playground battles:  “Oh yeah?  Well I’m fireproof and I burn you to a crisp!”  “Nuh-uh, because I’m EVERYTHING proof, and everything flies off me and blows you up!”  His one weakness?  Kryptonite, from his home planet, Krypton.  Come on guys, can we try a tad harder here?  I’m fucking begging you.  I guess maybe it was clever and awesome back around World War II, but nowadays we appreciate somewhat more developed ideas.

Which brings me to my single largest problem.  He’s not human.  And we casually brush the fact aside like bad guacamole.  I want my heroes to be, you know, something I can relate to.  Even The Thing started out as human.  That’s all Batman is, and Spiderman and the X-Men are human enough.  And if the hero isn’t human, at least they usually originated on this planet.  But Superman is pure alien.  He just conveniently looks like us.  That makes forget that he isn’t so much a super “man,” as he is an average alien (thanks Lindsey!) who arrived here on a space ship.  For Christ’s sake, he doesn’t even need to breathe oxygen, he just does it to look fashionable.  What would happen if the Kryptonians decided to use Earth as a penal colony for their undesirables (assuming they hadn’t been destroyed of course)?  We’d all be fucked, that’s what.  The convict Kryptonian serial killers and rapists would have bent Clark Kent over and crammed that fancy cape and prancy spandex right up his super asshole, and I guaruntee the Man of Steel henceforth would just be known as “that guy with the perdy mouth.”

So I’ll go see it.  Not because I have any warm spot for Superman, but because I trust Brian Singer and I trust Kevin Spacey and I trust some nobody named Brandon Routh.  If they were smart enough to tell Nicholas Cage that he couldn’t be Superman, then I guess they got something right…I never really read any comic books as a kid (but hey, where’s my Iron Man movie?), but I find a lot of enjoyment in their cinematic adaptations.  Why this is I can’t really explain.  I guess just catching up on some lost youth.

I have had yet another lapse in the frequency of my writing, I know.  Sometimes one just feels like the daily activity of their life isn’t really worth explaining.  Then again, if you’re me, you like rendering out the details like a Carl Sagan novel because one, you’ll read it anyway, and two, I like using words.  If you’ve read Sagan, you know that the [lack of] quality in his writing isn’t so much embedded in thorough character development, or a moving plot, or thrilling exposition.  No, basically he just doesn’t know how to shut up.  He can write a book because he can use words ceasingly, whether or not they or appropriate, or whether or not we even care.  In this regard, I write here because I can.

My parents are visiting this week.  I have to drive to KC Thursday to retrieve them from the hellish transportation nightmare that is MCI.  While it will be good to see them, I loathe driving to Kansas City.  Oh well.  The second verse is that they are here to go to a family reunion which I, by obvious association via the bloodlines, am also bound to make an appearance at.  Let me be clear in stating that I like my immediate family.  The rest…well…I see no reason to pretend to be interested in their lives and happenings any more than I would a stranger.  I keep in touch with who I want to.  You know what?  I could have been on day three of the BAK right now.  That’s how I avoided it last time, it was very convenient.

I have been racking my brain at work over a pretty slick CMS (Content Management System) called Joomla.  Lemme tell ya, it’s something else, that’s for sure.  Very powerful and full featured.   Naturally, however, some of the stuff I need it won’t do natively, at least in this version.  If you have ever done portal development, don’t start with this.  It’s powerful but a pain in the butt.  I’m still trying to convince myself of whether or not this is the one to work with.  Given the options though, I think it is probably the best route.

OOH!  Looks like I might have my old car sold finally.  If so, it’s new TV time baby.  I am really tired of my old POS set.  It’s only like fifteen years old, and the colors only bleed about halfway across the screen.  That’s not so bad, right?  All I watch are movies, but I would still like to be able to really watch and enjoy them.  That’s hard to do when watching the TV is like an LSD trip through a blind man’s eyes.

I made it through a number of movies recently.  The Island wasn’t actually half bad.  Not totally what I expected, but I had heard that ahead of time.  Plus I think I could watch about anything with Scarlett Johansson in it.  Yeah, I’m shameless, wanna make something of it?  Ultraviolet was…crap.  Like bad, drunk, taco-shit crap.  At first I thought:  Hmm…okay, stylized like a comic book, corny dialogue, but I guess it could work….No.  Okay just fuck no.  The dialogue wasn’t corny, campy, comic fun.  It was just bad writing.  And the special effects weren’t stylized, they were low budget.  I tried to convince myself otherwise.  Frankly, I wanted to like it.  But alas, I cannot.  The Producers was also some classic theatrical inspired cinema.  Worth seeing.  Underworld: Evolution was a gamble of my precious time that I felt paid off, and A History of Violence though strange, was worth sitting through.  Trainspotting is good because it’s Scottish.  It’s good for other reasons too, but that’s the main one.  Babies with spinning heads score high points too.  God Ultraviolet was bad.

***WARNING: The following may contain information people waiting to see X-Men 3 might want to avoid***

Well I was finally able to appease my desire to see X-Men: The Last Stand. If Brett Ratner is ever allowed near enough to this franchise to influence it in even the remotest way, I will hunt him down and deliver unto him a beating perhaps only George Bush deserves more.  Let me be blunt, the movie wasn’t garbage, but it also wasn’t on par with the first two.  It wasn’t quite so bad as when Joel Shumacher took the reigns of Batman, that practically measured as a violation of the Geneva Convention as a crime against humanity; but Ratner’s reckless treatment, and lack of compassion or appreciation for the subject is apparent almost from the word go.  The Last Stand was to X-Men as Terminator 3 was to that trilogy.

Here are the main problems.  New characters were shallower than a kiddie pool in winter.  For bad guys, I suppose that’s fine given their disposable nature (did anyone besides Magneto even make it through the final scene?).  But Kitty Pryde, Angel, and Beast were simply inexcusable.  Call it bad writing, bad editting, or bad directing, had those characters not been there, you wouldn’t have missed them.  And oh my god….a can of beans could have played Storm better.  And not those good Bush’s baked beans, the cheap ones, from Aldi’s.  Letting Magneto rip out her vocal box for no reason would have been better than making me listen to Berry deliver the lines.  I guess that’s not new news though…You know why Famke Janssen was such a good Phoenix?  They knew when to have her shut up.  I can see it now: “Okay Miss Janssen, stand right there by the green screen, now look…left….more…Perfect!  Thanks, you can go home, we’ll CG the rest around you.”  Every now and again you find yourself thinking “Oh yeah, Phoenix is just sorta….standing…over there.”

Anyway, all told, an average movie.  Glad I saw it, and I’ll probably buy it I have no doubt, but there was a lot of room for improvement.  I can only hope the Wolverine movies are handled better.

On the subject of movies, Ghost Rider, Pirates of the Caribbean 2, Clerks 2, and Nacho Libre should help fill in the gaps nicely.

I took Isis to the vet to get her allergies taken care of Thursday.  She was pissed.  Mostly it was good though, because now she’ll stop scratching, and I get to laugh as she walks around with all her paws wrapped up so that she can’t use her claws until everything takes effect.  It’s even better when she tries to jump up on the chair, but completely falls since she can’t latch on, heh.

I was full of good ideas lately.  I found this slick piece of software called KPlaylist.  Got it running on the server which is finally healthy again.  Let’s me stream my music off the server wherever I am to listen to it.  If you want access to it and think you deserve it, beg.  Yeah, you heard me, beg.  Like a bitch.